I am ignoring the bliss that’s around me

All I want is to be a good person, someone who has something to say, something to bring to the table.  I wish I were a queen of small talk but nothing political because I just want to punch Trump in his fat face- but anything else.  Perhaps some tidbit of news that happened that maybe another person hadn’t heard about but I’m not.  I’m just a consumer of time and things that I want to check off my to do list.  I skim all the spam email maybe check out a couple updates on Facebook but mostly I am one word answers to Aly’s thoughts and questions and when I’m asked to do something it’s met with at best a ‘put out’ reply.  “okay just one time”, “okay just real quick”.  I am ignoring the bliss that’s around me. My beautiful kids that I allow to have their days swallowed by tv and phones are spending their time not remembering time with their mom.  I feel like a fucked up mess. Here I am writing this as they are sitting on the couch watching youtube videos.  Why am I not with them making jokes or tickling them? why?  Why am I so angry with my dad for picking any life, even one involving prison over me when I am here choosing any other thing over them?

So if this is all I want, to be a mom who is present and playful and there to pay attention and guide and teach then why not just do it? I spend time wrestling with thoughts, all day long.  Balancing the needs of everyone and just doing the bare minimum so I can still do something for myself. Actually, I don’t even look at it that way, as doing something for myself, more to just get through whatever I’m doing so i can get back to.. whatever. Nothing. Sweeping the floor, switching the clothes, a few yoga poses.  All of it doesn’t seem to matter when Lucy wants to climb in my lap to nurse.  Or Aly wants to show me the dress on some dating game she’s playing.  I don’t know how to snap out of this self-centeredness.  I just focus on me me me.  Was it always like this? Have I always been so narcissistic?

I need to invest in my family. The one’s that care about me. The ones that I am with day in and day out.  Because it really is an investment.  I have this one life, this one opportunity to be a mother, to be a wife.  So stop being distracted and irritable and enjoy your sweet fun and beautiful people who depend on you and are watching you!!!  okay, pep talk babble thing over.  GO DO IT!!